vulnerability

Following on from my last post, I thought I’d share this passage from the brilliantly warm and touching ‘Love Walked In’ by Marisa de los Santos. Reading it recently made me think about connection: how a sense of connection between each other relies on our willingness to be true and honest and open, and how this is also the foundation of authenticity. Even about the broken places; in fact especially about the broken places. So, in case you need more encouragement, here it is:

‘But I thought I’d figured it out, why our sex life wasn’t more spectacular; or to be specific, was several worlds away from spectacular. For all our talk, all our exchanges, we never handed over anything of real importance. We were all laughter and lightness and glow. We liked each other till the cows came home, but I never saw his broken places, nothing soft or stinging or half healed-over. He’d never seen mine, either. And I decided that truly stellar sex wasn’t possible without that kind of knowledge.’

Authenticity makes sex better, too – a little added incentive!

One of the symptoms of small island living is losing touch with what’s happening out there in the big, wild world (some long-termers hadn’t heard of Simon Cowell – it can have its advantages). So I’m a little late to the Dr Brené Brown party. I know the all-round-fabulous Suzy Greaves (writer, coach, editor extraordinaire) is a fan so, now that I have a fairly reliable internet connection and time on my hands, I hunted out Brene’s TedX Talks. Thanks, Suzy, now I understand and am excited to read her books.

Along with the 15million+ viewers, I warmed to Brené’s genuineness as she talked about shame and vulnerability. And I realised you can’t really be authentic without being vulnerable and vice versa; they are sides of the same coin. It is because she is walking her talk so beautifully that Brené has become such a phenomenon, her willingness to be only real on that stage is why we feel such a connection to her. That’s the power of vulnerability. But we find it so hard. For me it’s not so much that I perceive it as weakness, more the slightly wonky notion that not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable keeps us safe from hurt. It’s something we fear because it opens us to potential harm, and so we admire and applaud those who have the courage to lean into it. Reducing the potential to feel hurt also reduces the ability to feel joy, and so we insidiously harm ourselves anyway. We’re left with a safe life that is more an existence than the experience of fully living.

Vulnerability was the surprising revelation of Brené studying connection. In her open, funny way she explains it wasn’t something she went looking for, in fact to say she resisted it would be a huge understatement: “It was a year long fight, a slugfest. I lost the fight and probably won my life back.” When somebody verbalises so eloquently it seems obvious, a forehead slapping “duh” moment. Of course, vulnerability is key to acceptance and living wholeheartedly. Why didn’t I see that before? And of course it’s key to living authentically, which is why that can be such a challenge.

Writing this blog is helping me be more authentic. I’m bringing more awareness to my days and I have small wins, but I still have a long way to go – ironically illustrated by the fact that so far I’ve only told a couple of friends I’m doing it, I’ve been terrified to go public. But if vulnerability and authenticity are so closely linked I need to let myself be seen. That’s one of Brené’s observations of what we need to do to live a wholehearted life.

I’m working on believing I am enough.

By Brené Brown: ‘Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead’, published by Portfolio Penguin

Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Photo in public domain