values

The Importance of Authenticity – What I’ve Learned So Far (part 1)

/ frankiegolightly / 2 Comments

eckhart quote 6mth

Being authentic should be the easiest thing in the world, right?  I mean, how hard can it be to be me, shouldn’t that be natural?  Do I really need a project such as this blog to make it happen?  The answer is yes, indeedy.

It sounds crazy, but I’ve found that it’s easy to ‘forget’ to be authentic.  If I didn’t have this space nagging away for input, it would slip from the forefront of my mind and I’d stop questioning my behaviour.  I’d slip back into the behaviours I’ve developed in an attempt to keep me safe and keep others happy.  Hard as it’s been at times, I’m grateful to do this, and as it’s been six months since I started I thought I’d share six lessons I’ve learned so far:

1.  Authenticity makes life simple.  Have you ever considered how much stress it puts on you to be inauthentic?  Having to worry and calculate and plan your responses is just plain exhausting.  When you decide to be authentic, you don’t have to pretend any more.  You can just be you, in fact, that’s the only thing you have to do!  And it feels so liberating, not to have to think about who you are.  When we’re pretending to be that which we’re not, we complicate life.  We make it hard for ourselves and for those around us, who can only judge us on what we show them.  It’s just so much simpler for us to be true to ourselves.

judy g quote 6 month again

2.  Authenticity doesn’t require self-confidence so much as it requires self-acceptance.  At least this has been my experience.  I am not a confident person, every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m having a mini heart attack.  I’m riddled with insecurities and I don’t see that changing any time soon.  So in what we believe confidence to be I don’t have much, but I’ve come to appreciate I don’t need to be anything or anyone other than me.  It’s trite but true that there is no-one better qualified to do that.  If I mess up when I’m being me, well that’s okay because, truly, nobody is perfect.  What is not okay is to mess up being me.  Being more authentic has given me a level of peace I didn’t expect.

3.  Authenticity does require courage.  It’s brave to let yourself be seen for who you really are, which can make us feel vulnerable.  It often feels safer to compromise our authenticity, to hide behind our masks.  But this isn’t living a wholehearted life, as nothing in our lives can be truly real if we aren’t real ourselves.  Brené Brown defines courage like this:  ‘The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart.  In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”‘  Speaking from one’s heart is to be authentic.

4.  You don’t need to “know yourself’” to be authentic.  This was a surprise to me.  I was very much in my head about authenticity:  I want a map, dammit!  I couldn’t possibly start to be authentic without the guidelines of my values and beliefs and inside leg measurement to keep me true to myself.  Of course, knowledge is good (and knowing your values is, well, invaluable), but it’s actually much simpler than that (see point 1).  You just have to listen to your body.  You don’t think your way to authenticity, you feel your way to it.  If you listen to your gut it will guide.  If your behaviour is making you feel a little uneasy or queasy, chances are you aren’t being true to yourself.  Being authentic just feels right.  Start tuning into your body and listening to how your behaviour makes you feel and you’ll come to know yourself better.  It’s as simple as that.

brene quote 6 month

5.  Authenticity is a day-to-day practice.  At least it is until we’ve unlearned our inauthentic habits.  I’m still finding this a challenge, but it’s getting easier.  Being authentic shouldn’t be hard work, but I find if I’m not careful I can fall into old behavioural patterns because those well-worn paths are most familiar.  So it requires a watchfulness until you’ve re-connected with your authentic self and s/he is running the show.  By the way, don’t confuse authenticity with consistency.  You aren’t a static being, hopefully you learn, change, grow.  To be authentic is to be real, to be true to yourself, and what that is tomorrow may be different from today.  Which is why it’s always good to check in with your gut!

6.  The best time to be more authentic is now.  Don’t wait until you’re confident, you don’t need to be.  Don’t postpone being authentic until you are the person you think you want to be, it’s a chicken and egg scenario.  Be true to the person you are now and you’ll find it much easier to become the person you want to be.  You don’t need anyting other than you to get started.  Aren’t we all just a teeny-weeny bit tired of all the fakery that surrounds us?  Let’s start a revolution!  Don’t deny yourself the freedom that comes with the courage to be who you really are, I promise it’s worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

Does Kindness Trump Authenticity?

/ frankiegolightly

I am spending a lot of time with my family at the moment.  Which can be challenging for oh so many reasons (not least the endless supply of cake), but particularly when it comes to the sticky issue of being true to myself.  Not only is it easy to fall into playing to the stereotype they have of me (a big enough topic to have a post all of its own), it’s also raised for me the question:  does kindness trump authenticity?

As I imagine it is with most families (unless we’re even more screwed up than I realise), we have long established ways of communicating with each other.  Some of these are silly, childish traditions created when I was a different person (an actual child, for instance).  Particularly with my Dad.  I am not that person now, and who I am today wouldn’t behave that way.  But it would break my Dad’s heart if I didn’t play along.  And, even in the name of authenticity, I’m not prepared to do that.

So I was getting my knickers in a twist thinking about this.  Was I just taking an easy way out?  Then I started to make the distinction between honesty and authenticity.  I had been starting from the assumption that to be authentic you had to be honest.  Which is of course true.  But would it be enough to be honest with myself?  If I chose to be authentically kind?  Which made me wonder if perhaps sincerity is a more appropriate word.  More kind, in fact.

I’ve rubbed up against this honesty dilemma before.  Years ago when looking at my personal values, honesty was at the top of my list.  Oh yes, siree, I believed with all my stubborn Taurean heart that this was Number One Most Important to me, I had absolutely no truck with dishonesty.  Don’t be playing my friend if you weren’t going to be honest.  Or so I thought, until I looked at how this really played out in my life.  If a friend asked my opinion of her outfit and I thought she looked terrible, would I tell her?  If she was at home and able to change, then yes I’d definitely suggest something more flattering.  If we were already out and she could do nothing about it, I certainly wouldn’t tell her she looked like an exploding sausage, for example (unless so much wine had been consumed we’d both find it fall-off-our-seats hilarious … is there that much wine?).  What would be the point of ruining her evening?  So there I was, trampling on my number one value, which isn’t a smart thing to do.  It meant I had to review and revise:  yes, honesty is still hugely important to me, but in practice it appears kindness is more so.  Who’d have thought?  I surprised my stubborn self.

I’d love to live in a world where kindness and honesty could always be one and the same.  To never have these conflicts, to be honest and true and accepting of each other at all times.  And bluebirds would sit on my shoulder singing melodiously.  That’s certainly something to work towards, and in the meantime I’ll continue to muddle my way through doing my best to find a balance.  But until that day, yes, for me kindness trumps authenticity.  As long as it’s sincere.