Lately two slightly absurd notions have been consuming me:  who is the real me, and what if I don’t like her very much?  It feels a little like tumbling down a rabbit hole to be confronted by a hallway where every door hides a version of me and I’m wondering if I’ll drink to shrink or eat to grow. 

Then I realise I’m too much in my head.   And putting too much emphasis on consistency, because of course we all have different sides.  We’re complex and messy and our personalities don’t have only one setting.   How I react to something today may be different tomorrow but does that make me inauthentic?  When I let my insecurities get the better of me, I’m not as generous spirited as I would hope.  And then I don’t like myself very much.  Maya Angelou said “when you know better, you do better” so I can only hope to learn from these times and go on to do better. I’m happier when I’m nicer.

If I do, then of course I won’t be the same person tomorrow that I am today because I will have grown from experience.  One of my biggest lessons is to accept it’s okay for me not to be perfect, that’s a doozy.  But who has lived and hasn’t made mistakes?  I need to get better at appreciating this.

I said ‘absurd’ because of course if I’m being true to myself then both of those questions are redundant.  There is only one me, in all of my messiness, and if I honour the essence of that then I’ll be someone I like.  So I need to get out of my head and tune into my gut because that keeps me authentic.  Simple, but not always easy.  It’s a minute-by-minute practice, but I’m learning.