courage

The Importance of Authenticity – What I’ve Learned So Far (part 1)

/ frankiegolightly / 2 Comments

eckhart quote 6mth

Being authentic should be the easiest thing in the world, right?  I mean, how hard can it be to be me, shouldn’t that be natural?  Do I really need a project such as this blog to make it happen?  The answer is yes, indeedy.

It sounds crazy, but I’ve found that it’s easy to ‘forget’ to be authentic.  If I didn’t have this space nagging away for input, it would slip from the forefront of my mind and I’d stop questioning my behaviour.  I’d slip back into the behaviours I’ve developed in an attempt to keep me safe and keep others happy.  Hard as it’s been at times, I’m grateful to do this, and as it’s been six months since I started I thought I’d share six lessons I’ve learned so far:

1.  Authenticity makes life simple.  Have you ever considered how much stress it puts on you to be inauthentic?  Having to worry and calculate and plan your responses is just plain exhausting.  When you decide to be authentic, you don’t have to pretend any more.  You can just be you, in fact, that’s the only thing you have to do!  And it feels so liberating, not to have to think about who you are.  When we’re pretending to be that which we’re not, we complicate life.  We make it hard for ourselves and for those around us, who can only judge us on what we show them.  It’s just so much simpler for us to be true to ourselves.

judy g quote 6 month again

2.  Authenticity doesn’t require self-confidence so much as it requires self-acceptance.  At least this has been my experience.  I am not a confident person, every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m having a mini heart attack.  I’m riddled with insecurities and I don’t see that changing any time soon.  So in what we believe confidence to be I don’t have much, but I’ve come to appreciate I don’t need to be anything or anyone other than me.  It’s trite but true that there is no-one better qualified to do that.  If I mess up when I’m being me, well that’s okay because, truly, nobody is perfect.  What is not okay is to mess up being me.  Being more authentic has given me a level of peace I didn’t expect.

3.  Authenticity does require courage.  It’s brave to let yourself be seen for who you really are, which can make us feel vulnerable.  It often feels safer to compromise our authenticity, to hide behind our masks.  But this isn’t living a wholehearted life, as nothing in our lives can be truly real if we aren’t real ourselves.  Brené Brown defines courage like this:  ‘The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart.  In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”‘  Speaking from one’s heart is to be authentic.

4.  You don’t need to “know yourself’” to be authentic.  This was a surprise to me.  I was very much in my head about authenticity:  I want a map, dammit!  I couldn’t possibly start to be authentic without the guidelines of my values and beliefs and inside leg measurement to keep me true to myself.  Of course, knowledge is good (and knowing your values is, well, invaluable), but it’s actually much simpler than that (see point 1).  You just have to listen to your body.  You don’t think your way to authenticity, you feel your way to it.  If you listen to your gut it will guide.  If your behaviour is making you feel a little uneasy or queasy, chances are you aren’t being true to yourself.  Being authentic just feels right.  Start tuning into your body and listening to how your behaviour makes you feel and you’ll come to know yourself better.  It’s as simple as that.

brene quote 6 month

5.  Authenticity is a day-to-day practice.  At least it is until we’ve unlearned our inauthentic habits.  I’m still finding this a challenge, but it’s getting easier.  Being authentic shouldn’t be hard work, but I find if I’m not careful I can fall into old behavioural patterns because those well-worn paths are most familiar.  So it requires a watchfulness until you’ve re-connected with your authentic self and s/he is running the show.  By the way, don’t confuse authenticity with consistency.  You aren’t a static being, hopefully you learn, change, grow.  To be authentic is to be real, to be true to yourself, and what that is tomorrow may be different from today.  Which is why it’s always good to check in with your gut!

6.  The best time to be more authentic is now.  Don’t wait until you’re confident, you don’t need to be.  Don’t postpone being authentic until you are the person you think you want to be, it’s a chicken and egg scenario.  Be true to the person you are now and you’ll find it much easier to become the person you want to be.  You don’t need anyting other than you to get started.  Aren’t we all just a teeny-weeny bit tired of all the fakery that surrounds us?  Let’s start a revolution!  Don’t deny yourself the freedom that comes with the courage to be who you really are, I promise it’s worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

Authenticity vs. Affectation: how important is it, anyway?

/ frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

I love a good story.  I love make-believe.  I frequently lose myself in a good book or film.  I believe in making the best of ourselves and can even appreciate the technique of faking it until you make it.  So why does affectation dance on my last nerve?  A few days ago in a coffee shop my attention was drawn to a group of three women.  Actually, it was drawn to one of the three, whose manners were designed for precisely that purpose, so I didn’t feel bad looking.  The way she held herself, the way she laughed, everything felt contrived and it made my lip curl.  Being in the company of someone with artificial behaviour sets my teeth on edge (a proper visceral reaction which probably says something about me).  But if reality is just our perception anyway, where is the line between real and fake?

I’ve been struggling to write this blog, to define why it’s so important to me (I guessed that posting “Authenticity = Good, Affectation = Bad” probably wouldn’t cut it).  Not getting much help from the friends I tried to rope in hoping to pinch their thoughts, I went back to the beginning and checked the dictionary. The Oxford English Dictionary defines affectation as “behaviour, speech or writing that is artificial and designed to impress; a studied display of feeling”, whereas authenticity is “the quality of being genuine”. So let’s start there:  affected behaviour doesn’t impress me, it’s authenticity that takes courage.

Looking around I see plenty of successful, inauthentic people.  So does it matter?  In the way that my reaction says something about me, the need to behave in such a studied and false manner tells us something about those who do it.  On my kinder, more generous days I can appreciate the possible insecurities behind it. But generally it just irritates me and I see it as a form of cheating.  OK so now I’m starting to understand:   perhaps I don’t mind ‘faking it until you make it’ because that’s a technique designed to help you feel better about yourself, whereas affectation is more to do with getting others to feel better about you but based on a falsity.

All of us present different sides of ourselves at different times, the side most appropriate to the occasion.  And it’s human nature to want to impress (possibly something to do with a primal need for security within a tribe or such like), but forming a genuine connection with another is hard enough without affectation undermining the value of our real selves.  How can you connect with someone who only presents ‘a studied display of feeling’?  But mainly it’s just annoying to be around.  An irritating interruption to the business of getting to know each other.