Brene Brown

Being authentic should be the easiest thing in the world, right? I mean, how hard can it be to be me, shouldn’t that be natural? Do I really need a project such as this blog to make it happen? The answer is yes, indeedy.

It sounds crazy, but I’ve found that it’s easy to ‘forget’ to be authentic. If I didn’t have this space nagging away for input, it would slip from the forefront of my mind and I’d stop questioning my behaviour. I’d slip back into the behaviours I’ve developed in an attempt to keep me safe and keep others happy. Hard as it’s been at times, I’m grateful to do this, and as it’s been six months since I started I thought I’d share six lessons I’ve learned so far:

1. Authenticity makes life simple. Have you ever considered how much stress it puts on you to be inauthentic? Having to worry and calculate and plan your responses is just plain exhausting. When you decide to be authentic, you don’t have to pretend any more. You can just be you, in fact, that’s the only thing you have to do! And it feels so liberating, not to have to think about who you are. When we’re pretending to be that which we’re not, we complicate life. We make it hard for ourselves and for those around us, who can only judge us on what we show them. It’s just so much simpler for us to be true to ourselves.

2. Authenticity doesn’t require self-confidence so much as it requires self-acceptance. At least this has been my experience. I am not a confident person, every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m having a mini heart attack. I’m riddled with insecurities and I don’t see that changing any time soon. So in what we believe confidence to be I don’t have much, but I’ve come to appreciate I don’t need to be anything or anyone other than me. It’s trite but true that there is no-one better qualified to do that. If I mess up when I’m being me, well that’s okay because, truly, nobody is perfect. What is not okay is to mess up being me. Being more authentic has given me a level of peace I didn’t expect.

3. Authenticity does require courage. It’s brave to let yourself be seen for who you really are, which can make us feel vulnerable. It often feels safer to compromise our authenticity, to hide behind our masks. But this isn’t living a wholehearted life, as nothing in our lives can be truly real if we aren’t real ourselves. Brené Brown defines courage like this: ‘The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”‘ Speaking from one’s heart is to be authentic.

4. You don’t need to “know yourself’” to be authentic. This was a surprise to me. I was very much in my head about authenticity: I want a map, dammit! I couldn’t possibly start to be authentic without the guidelines of my values and beliefs and inside leg measurement to keep me true to myself. Of course, knowledge is good (and knowing your values is, well, invaluable), but it’s actually much simpler than that (see point 1). You just have to listen to your body. You don’t think your way to authenticity, you feel your way to it. If you listen to your gut it will guide. If your behaviour is making you feel a little uneasy or queasy, chances are you aren’t being true to yourself. Being authentic just feels right. Start tuning into your body and listening to how your behaviour makes you feel and you’ll come to know yourself better. It’s as simple as that.

5. Authenticity is a day-to-day practice. At least it is until we’ve unlearned our inauthentic habits. I’m still finding this a challenge, but it’s getting easier. Being authentic shouldn’t be hard work, but I find if I’m not careful I can fall into old behavioural patterns because those well-worn paths are most familiar. So it requires a watchfulness until you’ve re-connected with your authentic self and s/he is running the show. By the way, don’t confuse authenticity with consistency. You aren’t a static being, hopefully you learn, change, grow. To be authentic is to be real, to be true to yourself, and what that is tomorrow may be different from today. Which is why it’s always good to check in with your gut!

6. The best time to be more authentic is now. Don’t wait until you’re confident, you don’t need to be. Don’t postpone being authentic until you are the person you think you want to be, it’s a chicken and egg scenario. Be true to the person you are now and you’ll find it much easier to become the person you want to be. You don’t need anyting other than you to get started. Aren’t we all just a teeny-weeny bit tired of all the fakery that surrounds us? Let’s start a revolution! Don’t deny yourself the freedom that comes with the courage to be who you really are, I promise it’s worth it.

One of the symptoms of small island living is losing touch with what’s happening out there in the big, wild world (some long-termers hadn’t heard of Simon Cowell – it can have its advantages). So I’m a little late to the Dr Brené Brown party. I know the all-round-fabulous Suzy Greaves (writer, coach, editor extraordinaire) is a fan so, now that I have a fairly reliable internet connection and time on my hands, I hunted out Brene’s TedX Talks. Thanks, Suzy, now I understand and am excited to read her books.

Along with the 15million+ viewers, I warmed to Brené’s genuineness as she talked about shame and vulnerability. And I realised you can’t really be authentic without being vulnerable and vice versa; they are sides of the same coin. It is because she is walking her talk so beautifully that Brené has become such a phenomenon, her willingness to be only real on that stage is why we feel such a connection to her. That’s the power of vulnerability. But we find it so hard. For me it’s not so much that I perceive it as weakness, more the slightly wonky notion that not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable keeps us safe from hurt. It’s something we fear because it opens us to potential harm, and so we admire and applaud those who have the courage to lean into it. Reducing the potential to feel hurt also reduces the ability to feel joy, and so we insidiously harm ourselves anyway. We’re left with a safe life that is more an existence than the experience of fully living.

Vulnerability was the surprising revelation of Brené studying connection. In her open, funny way she explains it wasn’t something she went looking for, in fact to say she resisted it would be a huge understatement: “It was a year long fight, a slugfest. I lost the fight and probably won my life back.” When somebody verbalises so eloquently it seems obvious, a forehead slapping “duh” moment. Of course, vulnerability is key to acceptance and living wholeheartedly. Why didn’t I see that before? And of course it’s key to living authentically, which is why that can be such a challenge.

Writing this blog is helping me be more authentic. I’m bringing more awareness to my days and I have small wins, but I still have a long way to go – ironically illustrated by the fact that so far I’ve only told a couple of friends I’m doing it, I’ve been terrified to go public. But if vulnerability and authenticity are so closely linked I need to let myself be seen. That’s one of Brené’s observations of what we need to do to live a wholehearted life.

I’m working on believing I am enough.

By Brené Brown: ‘Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead’, published by Portfolio Penguin

Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Photo in public domain