Underneath It All

October 9, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

“All the time wasted, caring about this shit.” Jacky O’Shaughnessy

Yesterday I watched Jacky O’Shaughnessy’s contribution to the Style Like U “What’s Underneath” project (link below), a series in which people are asked to tell their story as they undress. All of the interviewees reveal poignant experiences, and this one really made me stop and think.

Jacky is in her sixties and new to modelling, having recently been discovered by American Apparel. Some of her words deeply resonated with me, particularly as she described asking of herself:

“When are you going to be okay? You’ve been spending nearly fifty years trying to get thin enough, trying not to have cellulite, or ankles that swell … when are you going to be okay? And I finally said: Today, you’re going to be okay today.”

So I asked myself, how authentic can you be if you don’t accept yourself totally? Can you have one without the other? As I sit here and think about it – again – I don’t think you can. I do believe that you can be authentic and feel insecure, but only if you accept those insecurities as part of yourself. You don’t have to be super-confident, but you do have to have the courage to be accept all of you, including the messy parts. This must be a truth I’m struggling with because I keep having to remind myself, stumbling across this thought again as if it’s new.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you can’t change, and it doesn’t mean you have to love all of you. Sometimes love can be too big a place to start, liking is a good start. Authenticity isn’t a static thing, it’s fluid and what being true to yourself is in this moment may be different in an hour, a day, a month. Whatever it may be, you know it when you feel it inside, it feels like peace.

Am I there yet? Only in brief flashes. It does easier with practice and consciousness, which is what this year of trying to live more authentically has brought me, an awareness. It’s somewhat sad to me that I find it easier to accept the messy parts of my personality than to make peace with the way I look. There’s something a little screwy in the power we give that mirror. I value my personality more than I value the way I look, so why is it so much harder to embrace those physical flaws? And why have I wasted all this time, caring about this shit?

As Jacky said, “Learning to love myself was very hard; it took intention and practice.” Thank you for the inspiration. I know I’m on the right path, I’m practicing. And I hope that some day soon I will be telling myself “Today, you are going to be okay today.” That is what is underneath for me.

Link to the Style Like U interview http://stylelikeu.com/themes-2/body-image/jacky-o-shaughnessy/

Birds Flyin’ High, You Know How I Feel

October 2, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

“There are no boundaries among the geese … How can you have boundaries if you fly?”

‘The Once and Future King’ – T H White

I find this transitional time of year a struggle. I’m a sunshine girl, I love the hope in the air of spring and the heat in my bones of summer. I can just about cope with winter once we’re fully in it, with the help of a good coat, beautiful boots and warmed wine. But autumn is my least favourite season. I don’t like to see the leaves die, to feel the sudden chill in the air and see the sky colour seep from blue to grey. The days seem to be shortening at an extraordinarily fast speed this year, perhaps that’s just because I haven’t experienced an autumn for a while. Those occasional mornings when everything comes together and the air is crisp and the orange leaves are highlighted against a bright blue sky can help, but I find this time of year just a little depressing.

Except for the geese. There is something about the geese flying south that always gladdens my heart. As soon as I hear the navigational honk honk honk from above, I always stop to look for that swooping V formation, riding the airwaves to better climes. I like to give them a moment of respect for the extraordinary journey they are undertaking, and acknowledge the timelessness of nature. I’m not quite sure why it’s a sight that fills me with such a sense of poignancy. Possibly it has its roots in reading T. H. White’s ‘The Once And Future King’ as a child, when Wart transformed into various creatures to learn about life. The more obvious assumption is of course simply that I’m yearning for the sense of freedom and adventure they symbolise. Whatever it is, as these geese fly away they lift up my heart.

I’d love to credit this picture, but I don’t know who created it (found in the public domain)

Title taken from the lyrics of ‘Feelin’ Good’ by Anthony Newley & Leslie Bricusse

Thought for the Day

September 22, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

Going Up …

September 16, 2014September 16, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

I’m currently working in London and learned something new today. I tend to take the stairs and so was unaware of Lift Etiquette, which is an Important Thing. Apparently it is very bad form to take the lift for only one floor. You shouldn’t press the button for a floor that gives the current occupiers an extra stop before their destination. Having to hold the doors for someone approaching is not appreciated; that the lifts in this building don’t offer a ‘close doors’ button option is a source of great annoyance.

Hearing this conversation I couldn’t help saying “Do those few seconds make that much difference?” to which the response was “You’re probably one of those happy people, aren’t you?” That made me smile.

There was an element of tongue-in-cheek through this conversation but it speaks to something deeper because the irritation felt when Lift Etiquette (or driving/ shopping/noise/neighbour etiquette – insert your poison of choice) is ignored is very real. After just a few days here I can already feel the pull of that mentality, where day-to-day seemingly petty issues become a big deal. I understand, I lived the life of the daily commuter for many years and know how important it is to be standing at just the right spot on the platform. I really am not trying to belittle it, but surely there has to be more to life than this? Perhaps that is the point: when we feel our lives aren’t all they should be, it’s easy to lose perspective and get overly frustrated when even the small things don’t go according to plan. Our larger dissatisfaction is channelled into what we feel we should be able to control.

Whatever it is, I thought then and still think so now, that the monotony of the daily grind would be brightened immeasurably if we tried to keep some perspective and took a moment to remember we are all human beings. It can be easy to forget. I once said something similar to a gent in a suit huffing and puffing behind me in the ticket queue because the person in front of us wasn’t moving quickly enough. He looked quite taken aback, genuinely surprised at the idea.

I don’t remember who said it but ‘kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.’ I can’t think of anything that doesn’t improve with a drop of it, perhaps it’s time to start a kindness revolution? That way, there would be no need for Lift Etiquette.

Photo from the film ‘Up’ found in the public domain

The New Sexy – part 2

August 31, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

Following on from my last post, I thought I’d share this passage from the brilliantly warm and touching ‘Love Walked In’ by Marisa de los Santos. Reading it recently made me think about connection: how a sense of connection between each other relies on our willingness to be true and honest and open, and how this is also the foundation of authenticity. Even about the broken places; in fact especially about the broken places. So, in case you need more encouragement, here it is:

‘But I thought I’d figured it out, why our sex life wasn’t more spectacular; or to be specific, was several worlds away from spectacular. For all our talk, all our exchanges, we never handed over anything of real importance. We were all laughter and lightness and glow. We liked each other till the cows came home, but I never saw his broken places, nothing soft or stinging or half healed-over. He’d never seen mine, either. And I decided that truly stellar sex wasn’t possible without that kind of knowledge.’

Authenticity makes sex better, too – a little added incentive!

The New Sexy

August 26, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

“I think the quality of sexiness comes from within …

and it really doesn’t have much to do with breasts or thighs

or the pout of your lips.”

~ Sophia Loren

There is nothing sexier than someone happy in their own skin. Walking into a party our first glance may be caught by the exposed flesh of the barely clothed, but it tends to moves on, drawn to something deeper. That intangible inner glow some people exude, people who are completely at ease with themselves. Authenticity makes you stand out from the crowd, without needing to shout about it.

In our secret hearts we all desire to be confident enough to be ourselves, and accepted for who we truly are. We’re attracted to people who embody that, who radiate an energy that draws and inspires us.

What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself

and for those around you. That kind of beauty

enflames the heart and enchants the soul.

~ Lupita Nyongo

Needy is not sexy. Insecurity not sexy. Trying too hard is deeply unsexy. Authenticity is powerful. Authenticity is appealing. Authenticity allows for genuine connection and there is nothing more attractive than that. When we’re comfortable enough with ourselves to drop the pretence and be really seen in all of our messy, authentic glory, we allow others to do the same. What is sexier than that?

“Sex appeal is something that you feel deep down inside …

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements.”

~ Audrey Hepburn

Rest In Peace, Robin Williams

August 17, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

(Apologies – had a few technical hitches at this end meaning delay in postings).

Such sad news today. The tributes pouring in speak of not just an extraordinary talent and comic genius, but a huge hearted, kind and compassionate human being. With more than 100 credits over five decades, we will all have our favourite films and quotes. Here is one of mine:

Thought for Today

July 19, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

The Importance of Authenticity – What I’ve Learned So Far (part 1)

July 13, 2014 / frankiegolightly / 2 Comments

Being authentic should be the easiest thing in the world, right? I mean, how hard can it be to be me, shouldn’t that be natural? Do I really need a project such as this blog to make it happen? The answer is yes, indeedy.

It sounds crazy, but I’ve found that it’s easy to ‘forget’ to be authentic. If I didn’t have this space nagging away for input, it would slip from the forefront of my mind and I’d stop questioning my behaviour. I’d slip back into the behaviours I’ve developed in an attempt to keep me safe and keep others happy. Hard as it’s been at times, I’m grateful to do this, and as it’s been six months since I started I thought I’d share six lessons I’ve learned so far:

1. Authenticity makes life simple. Have you ever considered how much stress it puts on you to be inauthentic? Having to worry and calculate and plan your responses is just plain exhausting. When you decide to be authentic, you don’t have to pretend any more. You can just be you, in fact, that’s the only thing you have to do! And it feels so liberating, not to have to think about who you are. When we’re pretending to be that which we’re not, we complicate life. We make it hard for ourselves and for those around us, who can only judge us on what we show them. It’s just so much simpler for us to be true to ourselves.

2. Authenticity doesn’t require self-confidence so much as it requires self-acceptance. At least this has been my experience. I am not a confident person, every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m having a mini heart attack. I’m riddled with insecurities and I don’t see that changing any time soon. So in what we believe confidence to be I don’t have much, but I’ve come to appreciate I don’t need to be anything or anyone other than me. It’s trite but true that there is no-one better qualified to do that. If I mess up when I’m being me, well that’s okay because, truly, nobody is perfect. What is not okay is to mess up being me. Being more authentic has given me a level of peace I didn’t expect.

3. Authenticity does require courage. It’s brave to let yourself be seen for who you really are, which can make us feel vulnerable. It often feels safer to compromise our authenticity, to hide behind our masks. But this isn’t living a wholehearted life, as nothing in our lives can be truly real if we aren’t real ourselves. Brené Brown defines courage like this: ‘The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”‘ Speaking from one’s heart is to be authentic.

4. You don’t need to “know yourself’” to be authentic. This was a surprise to me. I was very much in my head about authenticity: I want a map, dammit! I couldn’t possibly start to be authentic without the guidelines of my values and beliefs and inside leg measurement to keep me true to myself. Of course, knowledge is good (and knowing your values is, well, invaluable), but it’s actually much simpler than that (see point 1). You just have to listen to your body. You don’t think your way to authenticity, you feel your way to it. If you listen to your gut it will guide. If your behaviour is making you feel a little uneasy or queasy, chances are you aren’t being true to yourself. Being authentic just feels right. Start tuning into your body and listening to how your behaviour makes you feel and you’ll come to know yourself better. It’s as simple as that.

5. Authenticity is a day-to-day practice. At least it is until we’ve unlearned our inauthentic habits. I’m still finding this a challenge, but it’s getting easier. Being authentic shouldn’t be hard work, but I find if I’m not careful I can fall into old behavioural patterns because those well-worn paths are most familiar. So it requires a watchfulness until you’ve re-connected with your authentic self and s/he is running the show. By the way, don’t confuse authenticity with consistency. You aren’t a static being, hopefully you learn, change, grow. To be authentic is to be real, to be true to yourself, and what that is tomorrow may be different from today. Which is why it’s always good to check in with your gut!

6. The best time to be more authentic is now. Don’t wait until you’re confident, you don’t need to be. Don’t postpone being authentic until you are the person you think you want to be, it’s a chicken and egg scenario. Be true to the person you are now and you’ll find it much easier to become the person you want to be. You don’t need anyting other than you to get started. Aren’t we all just a teeny-weeny bit tired of all the fakery that surrounds us? Let’s start a revolution! Don’t deny yourself the freedom that comes with the courage to be who you really are, I promise it’s worth it.

Becoming Real

June 29, 2014 / frankiegolightly / Leave a comment

I just adore the book ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’ written by Margery Williams (thanks, Mops!). First published in 1922 it has remained in print to inspire millions with the story of the power of imagination and how the Velveteen Rabbit becomes real.

As I’m already almost half way through my ‘year of living authentically’ I thought I’d share my favourite passage as it was part of my original inspiration to do this. It’s timeless, elegant and clever, and I defy anyone to read it and not feel their heart warmed at least a little:

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are Real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

“The Boy’s Uncle made me Real,” he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again.”

How perfectly poignant is that? Children’s literature can be so wise and inspirational (you can hardly turn a page in Winnie-the-Pooh without a life lesson). However deeply hidden under our protective layers it may be we all have the desire to be accepted for who we truly are, for our real selves to be loved, even – or especially – if that’s a little shabby. Being Real isn’t about being perfect. I don’t know about you, but I love my teddy bear even more now that his nose is coming unstitched and his belly is threadbare.