authentic living
Aging and Ass Shaking
I mentioned before that dancing is one of my all-time favourite things to do, and yet I rarely actually do it. Can you simply forget to do something you like? It seems so as I don’t think I’m the only one to be suddenly surprised by the thought “I used to love doing that!”
But one of the reasons I don’t do it much is because clubs and parties are the natural habitat of dancers, neither of which I enjoy. I used to dance more when I was living in the Maldives because, well, there wasn’t a great deal else to do in terms of a social life. Except crab racing. Dancing on sand doesn’t really get easier.
It’s taken me a long time to become okay with the fact that I don’t like to party: what sort of person doesn’t, after all? It has always felt a little shameful and as if there was something wrong with me, making me feel even more insecure and even less likely to party. One of my favourite things about getting older is not feeling the need to pretend any more. In my thirties I still felt like I should be enjoying these things; in my forties I’ve made peace with the fact that it’s more important to be honest about who I am. Even if that’s a weirdo who doesn’t see the point of partying. As it turns out, quite a few people feel like me, even Johnny Depp.
This year of living authentically has been about shedding layers of pretence, which has included learning to embrace my inner square-ness. I’m the only one I need to impress and I no longer care how cool I am. Ironically, on the rare occasions when I do venture out to party, this attitude means I enjoy it more. And I do like an excuse to dress up.
In the meantime, I need to remember I really don’t need an excuse to dance, except for the love of it. I can do it in my kitchen or even in a queue (a la Full Monty) if the mood takes me. Who cares? Any time, any place, anywhere, simply for the pleasure of shaking my ass!
Birds Flyin’ High, You Know How I Feel
“There are no boundaries among the geese … How can you have boundaries if you fly?”
‘The Once and Future King’ – T H White
I find this transitional time of year a struggle. I’m a sunshine girl, I love the hope in the air of spring and the heat in my bones of summer. I can just about cope with winter once we’re fully in it, with the help of a good coat, beautiful boots and warmed wine. But autumn is my least favourite season. I don’t like to see the leaves die, to feel the sudden chill in the air and see the sky colour seep from blue to grey. The days seem to be shortening at an extraordinarily fast speed this year, perhaps that’s just because I haven’t experienced an autumn for a while. Those occasional mornings when everything comes together and the air is crisp and the orange leaves are highlighted against a bright blue sky can help, but I find this time of year just a little depressing.
Except for the geese. There is something about the geese flying south that always gladdens my heart. As soon as I hear the navigational honk honk honk from above, I always stop to look for that swooping V formation, riding the airwaves to better climes. I like to give them a moment of respect for the extraordinary journey they are undertaking, and acknowledge the timelessness of nature. I’m not quite sure why it’s a sight that fills me with such a sense of poignancy. Possibly it has its roots in reading T. H. White’s ‘The Once And Future King’ as a child, when Wart transformed into various creatures to learn about life. The more obvious assumption is of course simply that I’m yearning for the sense of freedom and adventure they symbolise. Whatever it is, as these geese fly away they lift up my heart.
I’d love to credit this picture, but I don’t know who created it (found in the public domain)
Title taken from the lyrics of ‘Feelin’ Good’ by Anthony Newley & Leslie Bricusse
Going Up …
I’m currently working in London and learned something new today. I tend to take the stairs and so was unaware of Lift Etiquette, which is an Important Thing. Apparently it is very bad form to take the lift for only one floor. You shouldn’t press the button for a floor that gives the current occupiers an extra stop before their destination. Having to hold the doors for someone approaching is not appreciated; that the lifts in this building don’t offer a ‘close doors’ button option is a source of great annoyance.
Hearing this conversation I couldn’t help saying “Do those few seconds make that much difference?” to which the response was “You’re probably one of those happy people, aren’t you?” That made me smile.
There was an element of tongue-in-cheek through this conversation but it speaks to something deeper because the irritation felt when Lift Etiquette (or driving/ shopping/noise/neighbour etiquette – insert your poison of choice) is ignored is very real. After just a few days here I can already feel the pull of that mentality, where day-to-day seemingly petty issues become a big deal. I understand, I lived the life of the daily commuter for many years and know how important it is to be standing at just the right spot on the platform. I really am not trying to belittle it, but surely there has to be more to life than this? Perhaps that is the point: when we feel our lives aren’t all they should be, it’s easy to lose perspective and get overly frustrated when even the small things don’t go according to plan. Our larger dissatisfaction is channelled into what we feel we should be able to control.
Whatever it is, I thought then and still think so now, that the monotony of the daily grind would be brightened immeasurably if we tried to keep some perspective and took a moment to remember we are all human beings. It can be easy to forget. I once said something similar to a gent in a suit huffing and puffing behind me in the ticket queue because the person in front of us wasn’t moving quickly enough. He looked quite taken aback, genuinely surprised at the idea.
I don’t remember who said it but ‘kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.’ I can’t think of anything that doesn’t improve with a drop of it, perhaps it’s time to start a kindness revolution? That way, there would be no need for Lift Etiquette.
Photo from the film ‘Up’ found in the public domain
The Importance of Authenticity – What I’ve Learned So Far (part 1)
Being authentic should be the easiest thing in the world, right? I mean, how hard can it be to be me, shouldn’t that be natural? Do I really need a project such as this blog to make it happen? The answer is yes, indeedy.
It sounds crazy, but I’ve found that it’s easy to ‘forget’ to be authentic. If I didn’t have this space nagging away for input, it would slip from the forefront of my mind and I’d stop questioning my behaviour. I’d slip back into the behaviours I’ve developed in an attempt to keep me safe and keep others happy. Hard as it’s been at times, I’m grateful to do this, and as it’s been six months since I started I thought I’d share six lessons I’ve learned so far:
1. Authenticity makes life simple. Have you ever considered how much stress it puts on you to be inauthentic? Having to worry and calculate and plan your responses is just plain exhausting. When you decide to be authentic, you don’t have to pretend any more. You can just be you, in fact, that’s the only thing you have to do! And it feels so liberating, not to have to think about who you are. When we’re pretending to be that which we’re not, we complicate life. We make it hard for ourselves and for those around us, who can only judge us on what we show them. It’s just so much simpler for us to be true to ourselves.
2. Authenticity doesn’t require self-confidence so much as it requires self-acceptance. At least this has been my experience. I am not a confident person, every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m having a mini heart attack. I’m riddled with insecurities and I don’t see that changing any time soon. So in what we believe confidence to be I don’t have much, but I’ve come to appreciate I don’t need to be anything or anyone other than me. It’s trite but true that there is no-one better qualified to do that. If I mess up when I’m being me, well that’s okay because, truly, nobody is perfect. What is not okay is to mess up being me. Being more authentic has given me a level of peace I didn’t expect.
3. Authenticity does require courage. It’s brave to let yourself be seen for who you really are, which can make us feel vulnerable. It often feels safer to compromise our authenticity, to hide behind our masks. But this isn’t living a wholehearted life, as nothing in our lives can be truly real if we aren’t real ourselves. Brené Brown defines courage like this: ‘The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”‘ Speaking from one’s heart is to be authentic.
4. You don’t need to “know yourself’” to be authentic. This was a surprise to me. I was very much in my head about authenticity: I want a map, dammit! I couldn’t possibly start to be authentic without the guidelines of my values and beliefs and inside leg measurement to keep me true to myself. Of course, knowledge is good (and knowing your values is, well, invaluable), but it’s actually much simpler than that (see point 1). You just have to listen to your body. You don’t think your way to authenticity, you feel your way to it. If you listen to your gut it will guide. If your behaviour is making you feel a little uneasy or queasy, chances are you aren’t being true to yourself. Being authentic just feels right. Start tuning into your body and listening to how your behaviour makes you feel and you’ll come to know yourself better. It’s as simple as that.
5. Authenticity is a day-to-day practice. At least it is until we’ve unlearned our inauthentic habits. I’m still finding this a challenge, but it’s getting easier. Being authentic shouldn’t be hard work, but I find if I’m not careful I can fall into old behavioural patterns because those well-worn paths are most familiar. So it requires a watchfulness until you’ve re-connected with your authentic self and s/he is running the show. By the way, don’t confuse authenticity with consistency. You aren’t a static being, hopefully you learn, change, grow. To be authentic is to be real, to be true to yourself, and what that is tomorrow may be different from today. Which is why it’s always good to check in with your gut!
6. The best time to be more authentic is now. Don’t wait until you’re confident, you don’t need to be. Don’t postpone being authentic until you are the person you think you want to be, it’s a chicken and egg scenario. Be true to the person you are now and you’ll find it much easier to become the person you want to be. You don’t need anyting other than you to get started. Aren’t we all just a teeny-weeny bit tired of all the fakery that surrounds us? Let’s start a revolution! Don’t deny yourself the freedom that comes with the courage to be who you really are, I promise it’s worth it.
Let's Be Frank 